I wouldn’t say I’m a touchy person but I do like to be touched by a person of authority, or that I know and is welcomed. I mean it has to be welcomed. And when I say authority – I mean like when you go through security and they pat you down. I like that. I don’t mind getting a physical either as long as they aren’t drawing blood. I guess I don’t like the dentist though so that’s bad touch. Good touch and bad touch. I like good touch.
Good touch is also massages. O M G. I love massages. Naturally, I am quite – how shall we put it, up to stuff and people who are up to stuff tend to need some muscle relaxation.
Since moving to Asia I have experienced the Chinese foot and body massage and let me tell you – the masseuses here are relentless. They literally make it their sole mission in their life to get ALL THE KNOTS out of your body even if that means you’re going to be bruised for a week and screaming into your pillow. Oddly, I like this.
And so in no particular order, my favourite types of massages.
1. Foot Massage
The foot massage is interesting because they don’t just massage your foot but up to your knee and sometimes higher. The foot is supposed to be linked with all these other areas in the body creating healing powers when pressed. Well, I don’t know about healing powers but I do know about pressure points. WOW – it hurts. Again, I like it. This type of massage is especially great if you do a lot of walking, or running, or sports, or are on your feet a lot. It’s like a rebirth for your legs.
2. Chinese Deep Tissue Massage
The pain from the foot massage can translate all the way into your body. If you can take the pain it’s definitely worth it for the after effects. It hurts so good.
3. Thai Massage
A massage and a stretch is really an amazing way to go when you aren’t quite ready for the all out pain of the Chinese massage, the Thai type is more gentle and great for your back, and mobility work on your legs and arms. I love this type so much I am thinking to get training in it!
4. Four Hand Massage
Four hands are better than two. Two people working on either half of your body perfectly in sync is INCREDIBLE. The closest you can get to a threesome without having a threesome I think. And the only thing that could make it better? A hand bang – that’s right 8 hands. WOW. I haven’t heard of that but I think I would love to experience it.
5. Therapeutic Massage
Honestly, I don’t even know what this means but every time I come out of one of these I feel like a million bucks.
So you know what, think of yourself as wanting to be the best kobe beef – so trendy and juicy because you’re getting massaged, all day err day. Moossage. (Lol).
So this is a gross story but like hey – everyone poops – and I hate when people say girls don’t poop. You are certifiably insane if you think girls don’t poop. I can’t even get into it and don’t even bother talking to me anymore if you think something like that.
You should think about this as a helpful story – a story that will help you in future dire situations. And think of me as your saviour.
Let me tell you about a time I went to Egypt which was and still is one of the best trips of my entire life – HOWEVER, I ate something bad, like really bad and I believe I talk about it in another post – here. And I discuss a separate incident here.
I enter the bathroom and there is a puddle of pee on the ground SO big it actually sloshes around when the train moves. And of course, since we are in a DC (developing country) there is no toilet paper, water, or soap. Pfff who needs hygiene? Please also keep in mind we were traveling “First Class”. Oh, and did I mention someone shat all over the seat and there is a gigantic poo baby stuck to the toilet? I. WANT. TO. DIE. But when you gotta go, you gotta go!
So Egypt takes the top 2 spots because guess what, while I was sick – I booked an overnight trip to camp in the Sahara. Oh yeah, you bet. And here’s the thing about the desert, THERE ARE NO BATHROOMS. It’s just sand everywhere. So you got diarrhea and you’re in the desert…soooooooo if you gotta go you need to walk really really really far, dig a hole – hope you walked far enough that no one can see you and go for it. I mean you don’t really have a choice especially with that kind of stomach bowel issue.
So I don’t even know how this happened but we ended up in a field in the middle of no where on the Island of the Sun and there was this run down school with an outhouse. And this outhouse was probably made out of shit – the whole thing was just rancid. And it was grey and it looked like it hasn’t been used since like 900BC. And it was just like rancid holes in the ground. The worst part of that is when it reeks like that and you have to squat you might throw up on yourself while you’re doing your deed.
China: Every experience I have in China basically sucks. Squat toilets aren’t exactly the worse but it takes serious practice. At 32 I have to say I’ve finally stopped not peeing on my shoes or missing the actual hole. BUT I’m good at it now but not everyone else is. And so the thing is, there is pee everywhere. It smells ANNNNND – there’s never any soap in the bathroom…Oh, and I hope you didn’t forget tissue because guess what, there ain’t any.
In today’s world it seems that we fall into one side or the other. Team Jen or Team Angelina, Noodles or Rice…and so here is the first edition of what side I’m on because for some reason, I think you care.
Team Jen vs Team Angelina:
Team Jen. I’ve always been Team Jen. First, I think she’s so funny – I mean in a more subtle way, not in your face but she’s funny. And I loved her in Horrible Bosses both 1 & 2 PLUS she was on F.R.I.E.N.D.S and don’t you feel like everyone on that show is kind of your friend?
And like Angelina fans, like really – she kept a vile of blood around her neck, she kissed her brother on the red carpet – lest we forget she’s done some weird stuff.
Noodles vs Rice:
Honestly when I was a kid, I didn’t even like rice – I was like the most unAsian kid alive. And instead of eating rice I used to make myself a baked potato. I would stab it with a fork, stick it in the microwave and then eat it with mayonnaise which I thought was sour cream because heck – I’m just a kid, they look the same, so whatever. For years I didn’t eat rice and then of course my inner Asian could take no more and now I eat rice but what I really love is NOODLES. And I’ve combined my love for rice with noodles so that my favourite type of noodles are rice noodles. I could literally eat rice noodles every day of my life and gain 300 lbs and just be like you know what? Love me.
Black vs White:
This should be a no brainer – it’s obviously black, sometimes I wear all white but that’s just a summer time thing. I was thinking the other day about my handbags and just like black, and any handbag I want to get is black and for some reason this bothered me. But you know what? Why not? I’ve always loved black. I wear a lot of black. One of my most fav handbags is so black! I love it! Like black with black hardware, it’s my favourite thing.
One time I read that people who wear a lot of black feel really heavy and carry around a lot of emotion and take on other people’s feelings too. I think I feel that. Just sidebar.
Savoury vs Sweet:
I could just have a salt lick and be good. I’m all about sodium. I love it – my body less so but whatever. Sweets are good and some I like but give me a choice and I am going salty every time!
Pets vs No Pets:
Pets no bueno. Like so much fur, and maintenance and slobber sometimes. It’s just not or me. Some animals – I will admit are like SOOOO CUTE I wanna die. Shila the Pom, Maru the Cat – my Corgi puppy friend down the street. But like I only want really Shila or the cat – and they have to get groomed all the time.
Almost Obama Encounter #2
My brother and I took a 10 day trip to Japan last May – guess who else took a trip to Japan? That’s right, El Presidente. At this point I don’t think you could say he was following me but just maybe coincidence.
Even bigger coincidence, we were staying at the same hotel in Hiroshima, but one week apart from each other. He’s like my polkeroo – just missed him again.
Obama Encounter #3
In NYC this time – this was just 2 weeks ago! And the UN is also in town. My boyfriend and I decide to eat out in the East Village – afterwards we take a walk around town in the same general area on walk along a small quiet side street and suddenly we see tons of motorcycles – I mean a crazy amount. But it’s obvious this is not a motorcycle gang – something else is going on. Behind them, huge black SUVS – tons. And if you look ahead, all the road are blocked and there is security standing at every corner – this time it’s made clear. Obamarama is having dinner on this street and is waiting to make his exit.
Motorcycles go by – car after car goes by – SUVS with tinted windows, SUVS with windows down and men holding guns – and one yells at my boyfriend who steps off the curb “GET BACK ON THE CURB” and so he does. And then then, there it is – the side profile of Obama in the car. I saw him in the back seat on the right passenger side. The car made a left and POOF he was gone. I tell you, it was an exhilarating time and I left on a high.
Almost Obama Encounter #4
This is a very almost – I saw his motorcade go by in NYC but I didn’t really see him or anything but I did come to the conclusion that Obama and I have yuan fen and at this point, he’s probably following me. Wherever I go, he will go.
Obamascades: An escapade you go on with none other than President Obama.
And it’s true – I’ve gone on 3-4 of them kind of. Let me explain.
Almost Obama encounter #1
Two years ago my Mom and I were visiting Washington D.C – home of Obamarama! On that trip I told my Mom that I was going to run into Obama and he was going to give me a piggyback ride. My Mom rolled her eyes and to be honest, I don’t even know myself where I come up with these ideas but I was convinced.
My Mom and I spent the day at the International Spy Museum (very cool! You should check it out). My Mom and I split off in the museum because she’s going to read every single plaque in that place and watch every single movie, I call museums a baby sitting service for Moms…anyways. You know how museums work – they are usually set up so there’s one way in and one way out. Work your way from the top to the bottom. And I was at the bottom. Went to the gift shop, saw a book on ninjas (very cool) and the museum made the announcement that they were closing. BUT WAIT? Where was the Mothership?
Knowing my Mom, I figured she got stuck at the KGB section, just knowing her – that’s what I figured, and so I started going back into the museum. As I went up the stairs, little Mom was coming down the stairs and I said to her,
“Where have you been? I almost lost you! Were you at the KGB section? The museum is closing!”
Next to us was an older gentleman laughing to himself as he watched a daughter scold a mother like a mother would scold a daughter. But you know what? I was right – she was at the KGB section. She felt tired. Sat an on ottoman and fell asleep. Which furthers my point that museums are baby sitting services.
So we get outta there and the roads are completely shut in all directions for miles and miles. There are MIB on every street corner – earpieces in. Crowds are starting the gather – what what. I can feel it, it’s Obamatime. These mens won’t tell you what’s going on but I’m smarter than the average bear – My Obamadar is SWITCHED ON!
A group of protesters walks by too – a clear indicator in the right direction and suddenly we have it, a motorcade – it goes on forever. Motorcycles, SUVS, fancy other black cars, vroom vroom and I stood there and I watched it. And the motorcade turned left. And once it was gone – MIB let the secret out – it WAS OBAMA, he was on his way to the sporting arena to catch a game. So there was have it folks, not only is Obama just like us, he wants to watch games but also – I almost saw him and to say he almost gave me a piggy back ride is a stretch but I think if he did see me, he would probably be compelled to give me one.
Another season, another like, another dislike…
- bliss body products including shampoo, conditioner, soapy suds, and body butter. I first tried these at the W hotel and would take as many tiny samples as possible which I will still do if I’m at the hotel but I also found you can get the products cheaper by HALF PRICDE (which isn’t free but at least these are full size units) at Saks Off Fifth or TJ Maxx or Winners if you’re Canadian! Why I like it? Leaves you feeling squeaky clean and silky smooth. I love the lemon + sage scent. It’s FRESH and not overpowering.
- Pumpkin pie. I love pumpkin pie. I could eat it for every meal. Mostly I like it warm with whipped cream but I’ll also eat it cold. It’s just incredible.
- Vietnamese food and I am a serious snob when it comes to it. I’ve been to Vietnam 4 times and have been unimpressed most of the time. Why? Because the quality of ingredients isn’t as high as North American standard so that’s an issue. Also, I grew up in a Vietnamese, Chinese, Jewish community (special right?) and I’ve had AMAZING Vietnamese food. When I go home to Ottawa, I literally frequent 2 restaurants the entire time. 1 – New Mee Fung, 2 Pho Thu Do. That’s it. My Mom puts up with it. She does. I love it.
- Babies at the can hold their head up by themselves mode and before they are walking mode. This is the cutest time where you don’t need to worry about their tiny heads and you also don’t need to worry about them running around and getting into stuff. You can just sit that tiny human on your hip and do your business with your Mini Me, so cute!
- Hot apple cider. Need I say more?
- Hot pot. I love interactive meals filled with curiosities. Summer or winter – I can hot pot anytime!
- Arch support – I wish I could wear flats or flip flops but I can’t so I love my Asics. I’m really embracing the Mainland Chinese look and have started wearing runners with most things. My feet have thanked me.
- Humidity. I traveled from Hong Kong to North America and I will tell you, I do not miss humidity. Like wow, I can wear my hair down and it doesn’t stick to my neck or look crazy flat a la Wednesday from Adam’s Family. Or like wow, I don’t need to wear dry fit gear all the time OR wow – my makeup stays on my face. Stupid humidity.
- On the flip side – it’s really dry here. My face is not happy. Cream burns! And I’m constantly thirsty.
- I mentioned this one in a very old post but the worst is when you’re wearing socks and you step on something wet in the bathroom or the kitchen. Sigh. I hate that! I need to remove ONE sock now? It’s just a recipe for mismatched socks and the end of the world.
- My undeniable love for carbs. I have gained 11lbs since last year. E L E V E N. I am going to blame 50% of that on being in a relationship and the other 50% on a new pho place that opened to so far from my place in Hong Kong which I need to frequent often because I’m phosessed.
- NYC subway. NRQ line, 123 line, ACE line like WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Plus, it’s dirty. Like insanely dirty and it smells. And the ticket system makes no sense. It’s like one of the worst subways for a first world country and I believe now we don’t use the term “first world” – we say, developed and developing…well America, if I only saw your subway system I would think you were developing. And stop smelling like pee NYC. It’s not cool.
- When you buy something new and ruin it the first time you use it. I bought just a t-shirt but it was special to me and the strap of my purse rubbed against it all day and now it’s all pilly and weird.
*The world population is currently 7.4 billion people, well, as of March 2016 it was so let’s just say it’s that. Cinnabon is currently available in about 30 countries with 750 outlets. With some of these countries the population size is pretty major, eg. India 1.2 billion, United States 318.9 million – actually those are the most notable. Now, we are going to do some quick scrappy math and assume that 30% of India’s population has had a Cinnabon and 50% of the USA’s population has had a Cinnabon and the rest of the countries that Cinnabon is located in plus visitors that might visit and taste this glorious bun are about 1 million (pulled that number out of my butt) – that leaves 6.8 billion people approximately have yet to try a Cinnabon and you know what?
THAT’S 6.8 BILLION PEOPLE TOO MANY!
Note: If you have a gluten allergy or diabetes this delectable delight is most certainly not for you.
So, what is a Cinnabon? Essentially, a Cinnabon is a cinnamon bun but in the most extraordinary way. Bigger, softer, chewier than it’s regular cinnamon bun counterparts. Cinnabon is a heart attack in a bun but almost worth it. I assume it’s called bon because it’s bon bon delicious!
I’ve always loved Cinnabon but I had always taken it for granted. Then, I moved abroad. And when you move abroad that’s when you start to see all the little things you took for everyday. Other examples include, dill pickle chips, Bar B Que sauce, swedish fish, tampons, wax strips, toilets that you can sit on (squat variety the worst)…ANYWAYS -
It just hits you one day that you need a Cinnabon and you’ll just have to take my word for it because it is SUPERIOR TO ALL OTHER WESTERN BUNS (I can’t compare the Cinnabon to Asian buns – totally different). So, I live in Hong Kong. And there are no Cinnabons there - (take note Cinnabon HQ, I think it would do well there!)
The closest Cinnabon to Hong Kong are Philippines, Malaysia and Japan. So what’s a girl to do? Fly to Tokyo.
On this day I bought 3 Cinnabons. First I bought 2 and my friend tried to pay me for one, and I was so confused…like Ohhhhhh you think I bought YOU one. No no. These 2 are just for me. Oink.
Maybe I should have bought more. My brother suggested I buy lots and just freeze them but if you’ve had one, you just want it right from the oven. On that day, I ate one in the store. I ate one that night in the airport and I brought one back home for my boyfriend because that’s #truelove.
So I guess I still haven’t answered why 6.8 billion people should eat a Cinnabon but you know, I never intended to right a blog post about this Cinnabon adventure and seeing how many photos I have of that time make me feel like a boss on Cinnabon. Cinnabon boss. And if I am a boss, that means I have authority, if I have authority, I can strongly suggest people do something and I strongly suggest you try a Cinnabon, life changing for sure.